October 8, 2000 started out as just an ordinary Sunday. I woke up, ate breakfast, took a shower, got dressed, went to church, came home, fixed lunch, sat down on the floor in the living room to eat (cause that was my favorite place to sit) and then…the phone rang…and I heard the broken voice of my Daddy say, “Baby, if you want to see Mama you need to get on the road right now. She don’t have much time left.” What? She was doing so good when I left earlier this week…What? No! Daddy! NO!

Everything moved in slow motion as I tried to throw some clothes in a bag and get home as fast as I could. I was 2.5 hours into my 8 hour drive when the phone rang. My heart dropped because I knew what was on the other side of hello. The hardest words I have ever had to process came falling off the lips of my Daddy like shattered glass…”she’s gone baby, she’s gone.” My world as I knew it was no more. My Mama was gone.

My Uncle graciously met me on I-95 in SC and drove me the rest of the way to FL that day. It was the longest trip home I’ve ever had to make. The hours and days to come were a fog of decisions, flowers, hugs, cards, people, words, tears, songs, family and food.

I never imagined that at the age of 21, I would find myself hovering over the casket of my Mama. This just wasn’t how things were supposed to go. She was only 45. She had so much life left to live. Anger soon set in and then came the inevitable…WHY GOD?! WHY?! Why did you take my mama from me?

I struggled over the months and years that followed that dreadful millennium October. I was angry at God, plain and simple! I was mad at him for taking my mama. I was mad at him for messing up my dream of a life. I was mad at him for not healing her. I was mad at him for everything! Yes, I still went to church and smiled and sang and praised and taught Sunday school and prayed and said God is good and tithed and encouraged others and never once let it show on the outside how angry I was on the inside.

It was only a few years ago after a lot of reading my Bible and truly seeking God that I realized something profound. God didn’t “take” my mama from me on this day 14 years ago. He “received” her! He called her name and was standing with open arms to scoop her up, kiss her head and tell her…Welcome home my beautiful baby girl, I’ve been waiting for you! As hard as it still is to understand, her time here was over. Her work was finished. She fought the good fight and finished the race as God had planned, not how Sasha had planned.
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So, you see……

Today is just an ordinary day for most people, some may welcome a new life into the world, some celebrate a birthday (Happy Birthday Banks, I love you) but for me, today is a reminder of my transition into life without my mama. A day that engulfs every fiber of my being with a flood of uncontrolled emotions. A reminder of the hard fact that it has been 14 years since I have heard my mamas voice say…I love you Sasha Dayan. A reminder of the day that crushed half of my heart while the other half smiled because she was with Jesus. A day that quite honestly never gets easier to face.

Although I miss her ferociously and would revel in the chance to hear her infectious laugh, see her amazing smile, feel her loving arms squeeze me, and watch her spoil my kids like crazy; I would not will her back to this broken world for a minute. I will continue to press on with my memories and strive to be the mother to my children that she was to me. She was the epitome of amazing woman, valiant warrior, true friend, sacrificial mother, blessed daughter, dedicated wife, and honored sister. What a lesson to behold from the legacy she left to all who had the honor of knowing her.

I love you Mama

Blessings,

Sasha <><